Humorous Reasons Not to Train a Dog
Like to see the paw prints on my visitors clothes
The house is too orderly.
Love the sound of barking in the morning, noon, afternoon, evening and night
Want the Vet to get a new BMW.
Garden and backyard need renovation, don't want to pay a gardener.
Furniture looks too nice.
Neighbours don't complain enough.
Question: What do you do if a pit bull terrier mounts your leg?
Answer: Fake an orgasm!
You Know you are owned by a Dog When:-
You have a mental list of people you would like to spay or neuter.
Running out of paper towels is a household crisis.
You stick fake reindeer antlers on the dog and photograph him for your Christmas Cards.
Not only do the family and friends think you go overboard with doggie holiday decorations, they have never seen the holy family depicted by dogs.
You pray that somebody will manufacture teflon furniture.
You absentmindedly pat people on the head and scratch them behind their ears.
You not only allow dogs on the couch, guests have to sit on the floor beside them.
You and your vet are on first name terms.
You tell your children to "heel" in the grocery store.
You knokw all the characteristics of a good "stool".
Genuine misprints taken from real publications:-
FREE PUPPIES: part German Shepherd - part dog.
FREE PUPPIES: half Cocker Spaniel, half sneaky neighbour dog.
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER: 8 years old, Unpleasant little dog.
GERMAN SHEPHERD: 85lbs, neutered. Speaks German. Free.
FOUND: dirty white dog, looks like a rat, been out awhile.
CUTE KITTENS FOR SALE: 2 cents or best offer
FREE: Farm kittens, ready to eat.
HOW TO PHOTOGRAPH A PUPPY
Remove film from box and load camera.
Remove film box from puppy's mouth and thrown in trash.
Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
Choose a suitable background for photo.
Mount camera on tripod and focus.
Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
Forget about spot and crawn after puppy on knees.
Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
Take flashcube from puppy's mouth and thrown in trash.
Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.
Put magazines back on coffee table.
Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head .. Replace and check camera for damage.
Jump up in time to grab puppy and say "No, outside! No, outside!"
Call spouse to clean up the mess.
Fix a drink.
Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink,, and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" first thing in the morning!
DOG PROVERBS
There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
Whoever said you cannot buy happiness forgot about little puppies.
Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail.
No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as your dog.
A dog is the only think on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
ISay something idiotic and nobody but a dog politely wags his tail..
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